


What's Life Without a Few Dragons

by Lecrit



Series: Alec Lightwood's Drunken Adventures [2]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alec has no filter, Dragons, Drunk Alec, Drunk Jace, Drunk Parabatais, Fluff, Hammered Alec, M/M, Magnus has no filter, SO MUCH FLUFF, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties, also, everyone is drunk, those two are ridiculously in love, to be clear, very drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 02:34:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7135088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lecrit/pseuds/Lecrit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s your bachelor party and I’m your best man,” Jace had said. “You owe me to get drunk.”<br/>Alec is pretty sure he’s heard those words before, or something close enough.<br/>He also knows that two things came out of it. One, he got engaged to Magnus, which is a good thing. Two, he experienced the most embarrassing week, maybe month, of his life after that, which was a very, very bad thing. For a while after Jace and Clary’s wedding, he had had to deal with knowing smirks and snickers behind his back every time he walked through the Institute. He is not going to make the same mistake again.</p><p>Except he already has because before he can register what happened, he’s hammered again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's Life Without a Few Dragons

**Author's Note:**

> My precious cupcakes,
> 
> Yes, it’s another dork title. I like my dorky references. Sue me.
> 
> So apparently I don’t have any control over myself because I didn't want to write a part two to this but I did.  
> I blame people from Twitter again because I'm an adult and that means I can run away from my responsibilities if I want to.
> 
> There is a Shrek reference in this chaos. Yes, a _Shrek_ reference. I will love you forever if you find it.
> 
> This is unbeta'd again because my betas obviously have more interesting things to do than bear with Drunk Alec.
> 
> Also, PSA: DO NOT DRIVE WHILE DRUNK. EVER. These people obviously need to get a grip on their lives but you’re better than them! Don’t do it!
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Ps: If you're live-tweeting, don't forget to either tag [me](https://twitter.com/_L_ecrit) or use the #lecrit hashtag! Let me enjoy your feels!  
> Ps2: You can find a Russian version of this fic over [here!](https://ficbook.net/readfic/4613107)  
> Italian translation is available [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12062496/chapters/27318513).

“It’s your bachelor party and I’m your best man,” Jace had said. “You owe me to get drunk.”

Alec is pretty sure he’s heard those words before, or something close enough.

He also knows that two things came out of it. One, he got engaged to Magnus, which is a good thing. Two, he experienced the most embarrassing week, maybe month, of his life after that, which was a very, very bad thing. Simon, the living (or dead – or undead, _damn_ this vampire business can be so confusing) proof that vampires cannot be trusted, had recorded him blathering about Magnus’ skills with his mouth (among other things) and forwarded it to all of their friends. For a while after Jace and Clary’s wedding, he had had to deal with knowing smirks and snickers behind his back every time he walked through the Institute. He is not going to make the same mistake again.

Except he already has because before he can register what happened, he’s hammered again. He wonders if Jace maybe spiked the drinks and when he meets his brother’s mischievous smirk, he has his answer. He is disowning him as soon as he’s sober again. If he ever gets sober again because right now, it feels like he’ll never get down of that exhilarating cloud he’s sitting on.

They are in a gay club, which is all kind of ridiculous because Jace organized his bachelor party and he’s the straightest guy Alec has ever met. He’s straighter than the arrows Alec shoots with his bow. He’s the epitome of straight. But he is sitting next to Alec in a gay club and as much as he tries to pretend the contrary, he’s just as drunk as Alec is so it’s okay.

“Come on, we’re moving,” Jace says, nudging his shoulders sloppily.

He spills some of the pink cocktail he’s drinking on Alec’s shirt, but neither of them really notices.

“Where are we going?” he slurs.

“Strip club,” Jace replies with a wide grin.

“Gay strip club of course,” Isabelle chimes in, as she grabs Alec’s arm to pull him to his feet.

“Will Magnus be there?”

Jace heaves out a deep sigh, rolling his eyes. “I curse the day you fell in love with that warlock,” he mumbles, although the lie is evident in his tone. “You’re such a sappy drunk.”

“Magnus is a warlock,” Alec tells him, just in case he forgot. “He’s quite magical.”

“You know what they say,” Simon chimes in, stiffening a laugh. He has his phone pointed straight at Alec and Alec wants to stop him but he’s too busy rummaging in his pockets looking for his own phone. He should call Magnus to tell him to come to the strip club. “A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk. Alec is actually a giant sap under all the scowling.”

“That he is,” Jace indulges him. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Will Magnus be there?” Alec asks again, groaning in frustration when he can’t find his phone.

“No,” Isabelle replies firmly. “Magnus is at his own bachelor party with Ragnor, Raphael, Tessa and Clary. You know that. Come on, strip club.”

“I don’t want to go to the strip club,” Alec whines, tugging on Jace’s sleeve like a petulant child. “I want Magnus.”

“You will see him soon,” Jace reassures him, patting his shoulder in comfort. “Stripper first.”

“I don’t want to go to the strip club,” he repeats. “I don’t need a stripper, I have a Magnus.” He pauses for a moment and blinks, the most wonderful idea running in his mind. “Unless Magnus is the stripper?”

He perks up at the thought, a wide grin breaking his composure. Not that he was really composed before anyway. He’s too busy staring at the way the blinding lights of the clubs reflect on the wall as his siblings drag him to the exit.

“Magnus is not the stripper,” Isabelle cuts in, reaching out to push a strand of hair out of his eyes. “You’ll have your own stripper.”

Alec frowns. Why are they being so stubborn? He lets out a triumphant yell when he finally finds his phone, which was in the pocket of his jean all along. He pulls it out and holds a finger up when Isabelle is about to protest, efficiently shutting her up.

“I don’t need a stripper,” he reiterates, “I’ll show you.”

He opens his Magnus’ file which is his favorite file in his phone because it’s filled with pictures of Magnus looking absolutely flawless. He’s wearing clothes in most of the pictures – which is decidedly disappointing – but not all of them because Magnus is a teasing little shit. Alec loves it all the time but he especially loves it now that he can prove his point to his siblings. He picks his favorite one – which is thankfully an almost innocent one because only Magnus’ shirtless upper body is visible – and shoves his phone in front of Izzy’s eyes.

“Look,” he slurs. “I don’t need a stripper. My Magnus is _fine_.”

Isabelle rolls her eyes but there is a small smile tugging at her lips.

“He _is_ fine,” Jace whistles, squinting his eyes at the picture on the phone.

“Back off,” Alec barks out, hiding the screen against his chest. “Find yourself your own Magnus!”

“Come on,” his sister snorts, hooking her arm with his.

“What can’t Magnus be there?” Alec whines again.

“Because he’s having fun somewhere else,” Isabelle chuckles. She’s drank as much as he but she barely looks affected and Alec wonders how that’s fair. Is there a god of alcohol tolerance that decided to bless her with extra resistance while he was left with crumbs?

“Fuck you, Dionysos,” he mumbles under his breath. He turns blurry eyes to his back-stabbing sister and then he realizes what she just said and freezes, just as they’re getting out of the club. “Magnus is having fun?” he echoes. “Without me?”

Now, he has never been engaged before but he’s pretty sure that’s illegal. Is Magnus allowed to have fun without him now that they’re engaged? Unless…

“Is he cheating on me?” he blurts out, his eyes wide and scared.

Slowly, the panic sets in. “Oh God, what if he goes to the strip club and then he falls in love with the stripper and then he leaves me for the stripper?”

Isabelle is about to talk but he doesn’t let her. “What if the stripper is like… super handsome? And wears glitter and shit? I can wear glitter if he wants me to! He can’t leave me just because I don’t wear glitter!”

Panic is promptly followed by anger because _why the fuck not_. Alec is completely in control of his emotions, everything is fine. “I can’t believe he would leave me just because I don’t wear glitter!”

They just reached the car and Simon and his siblings are looking at him with bewildered eyes as he climbs on the car and sits on the hood with his legs crossed, dropping his head into his hands.

“He’s my Magnus,” he whimpers, words muffled by his hands. “My glittery magical warlock.”

“Well, that escalated quickly,” Isabelle whispers disbelievingly.

Anger subsides to leave room for determination. He looks at his companions between his fingers. “Bring me to him,” he demands with all the willpower his drunken self can muster. “I’m gonna kick that stripper’s ass. No one is stealing my Magnus!”

“Wow,” Simon breathes out. He’s swaying on his feet a little and he’s obviously not so sober himself. Alec likes him a little bit better. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard so many words coming out of his mouth.”

Scratch that. Alec doesn’t like Simon. Simon is a mean asshole who doesn’t care about his pain.

Alec narrows his eyes at him and leans to grab his collar, pulling him forward. Simon stumbles over the hood of the car, catching himself on Alec’s knees.

“Listen, vampire,” Alec hisses threateningly, “I am not joking. Magnus is leaving me for a stripper.” Realization crosses over his features and his mouth falls open. “Oh God. What if the stripper has dragons? I can’t compete with that. I need me a dragon.”

“Alec,” Isabelle says carefully, although there’s a small smirk tugging at her lips. She steps forward and takes his hand, gently entwining his fingers from Simon’s collar, whose eyes are wide and scared. “No one is stealing your Magnus, I promise. Magnus loves you very much. He’s not going to cheat on you.”

That sounds like a reasonable argument. And Isabelle is his sister. She wouldn’t lie to him. Alec knows all of that. He’s going to calm down and they can go on with their night. Magnus is not going to leave him.

He’s about to tell his siblings all of that. He’s going to tell them.

“But dragons!” he yells at the top of his lungs instead.

“I’ll help you find your dragons,” Jace offers, patting Alec’s head affectionately. “No one will steal your Magnus as long as I’m your parabatai.”

“We should go to the zoo,” Alec suggests with a drunken nod, patting Jace’s head in return. “They probably have dragons there.”

“Nah,” Jace replies, shaking his head, blond strands of hair falling into his eyes. “It’d be too dangerous.”

Alec nods in agreement and hums pensively.”You’re right,” he says reflectively. “The dragons would eat the cows.”

“Jace!” Isabelle reprimands him, hitting him on the shoulder full force. Jace stumbles two steps backwards but catches himself before he falls. “Don’t encourage him!”

“Do you want me to be unhappy?” Alec exclaims, pointing a finger straight at his sister, who snaps his hand away. “Do you want Magnus to leave me for a stripper because I don’t wear glitter and don’t have dragons? Do you?”

Isabelle doesn’t answer, her mouth falling open, glancing bemusedly between her brothers. “Magnus is not leaving you!” she yells, exasperated.

“No, he’s not,” Jace cuts in with a firm nod. Isabelle lets out a reassured sigh. Her relief is short-lived. “He’s not leaving you because I am your best man and I’m going to get you your dragons,” he says. “I have the best idea ever.”

Now, Sober Alec would know that these words, coming out of Jace’s mouth, are never a good sign.

Drunk Alec, however, thinks his brother is the best brother in the whole world and that his idea is _fucking brilliant_. Drunk Alec also refers to himself as Drunk Alec in his head, which is a completely normal thing to do.

They don’t go to the strip club because Alec now has a personal vendetta against every stripper in the city and because Jace has a much better idea anyway.

.

They are in the car half an hour later.

Maybe getting Alec _in_ the car was made a bit difficult when he decided to climb on the roof of the demoniac engine and wake up every living soul in the neighborhood by roaring at the top of his lungs, “Where are my dragons?”

Some guy yells back, “Shut up, Khaleesi,” and that settles it.

Simon is the designated driver because none of them have their license. They all took lessons at some point and they all gave up pretty quickly.

“I don’t need a driving license anyway,” Alec blabbers as Simon crosses Brooklyn Bridge. He’s driving awfully slowly but that’s probably for the best. “I have a Magnus and Magnus is a magical warlock who can do magical portals because he’s magical.”

Isabelle is sitting next to Simon, her feet sprawled on the dashboard and she chuckles. “See? You have a Magnus. No reason to worry about the stripper.”

“What stripper?” Alec wonders out loud and then, it all comes back to him and he gasps, leaning to his left to grab Jace’s arms, interrupting the blonde who is singing completely off-key to whatever pop song is on the radio.

“What if I don’t have a Magnus?” he breathes out. “A glittery stripper is trying to steal my Magnus.”

Jace gives him a determinate glare and leans closer, whispering confidentially. “Dragons,” he simply says and Alec nods with a newfound assurance.

He is so glad Jace is his parabatai.

He has to tell Magnus that he’s going to fight for him, though. So before he knows it, he’s typing furiously on his phone. There’s a bottle of vodka tugged between his knees because he likes to live dangerously.

And because he needs his hands to text Magnus.

_If u leaev me for a srtipper im gonna be very sad_

_and mad_

_i can be a stripper otoo_

_Mangus??_

_Bbae pls don’t leave me_

_I love u_

_ill wear all the glitter_

_u suck_

_haha yes u do ;) ;)_

_do u wanna sext??_

_Im so frunk_

_drink_

_drunk_

_do u thikn id be a good dragon trainer?_

_r u not answreing cos of the stripper?_

_I kno im not good with words but i love u_

_Dont woryr ebab ill gifht for u_

_fight_

_babe_

Magnus doesn’t answer any of his texts and Alec is about to give up and just call him when Isabelle turns in her seat at the front and catches him with the phone in his hand.

“Alec! What are you doing?”

“I’m texting Magnus,” he replies casually.

“Ask him if mirrors are real,” Jace almost shouts, perking up like he just had an epiphany. “I’ve always wanted to know.”

Alec is just starting to type again when Isabelle tries to snatch the phone out of his hands. She is now leaning against the back of her seat, her upper body half on their side of the car as she fights Alec for the phone. He drops the bottle of vodka with a yelp but it fortunately doesn’t break and the lid is on so they manage to avoid any collateral damages. Not that Alec cares because it’s Raphael’s car who accepted to lend it to Simon because he is obviously whipped. That’s the only reasonable reason Alec can think of.

“You will thank me tomorrow,” she shouts when Alec curls up in his seat, hiding the phone between his legs so she can’t reach it. “You’re drunk, give me that phone.”

“I’m not _very_ drunk,” he counters sturdily. “I’m like half drunk. It’s not a lot. It’s drunk but it’s not drunk-drunk.”

Jace sniggers next to him. “Drunk-drunk,” he repeats sluggishly.

“Guys, we’re almost there,” Simon chimes in from behind the wheel. He’s almost crouched on himself, trying to avoid Isabelle’s legs who are hanging from where she’s still trying to grab Alec’s phone.

Isabelle uses the distraction to pull strongly on Alec’s arm, effectively snatching the phone out of his grip. Alec whimpers in protest and reaches for it but Isabelle is already sitting back in her seat. She reads through the thread of texts he sent Magnus and shakes his head.

“I feel like my IQ dropped drastically just from reading that. I can’t believe Magnus is marrying you dumbass.”

“Magnus is marrying me?” Alec asks incredulously. “Magnus Bane?”

It’s been established that Drunk Alec has the memory of a gold fish. No one blames him for it because no one ignores it, except Alec who tends to forget about it because… well, he’s drunk.

“Do you know any other Magnus?”

“He’s marrying _me_?” he inquires again.

“Yes,” his sister answers.

“For real?”

“Yes,” Isabelle repeats, louder and clearly annoyed. “You know what?” she then grumbles to herself. “I’m not drunk enough to deal with you. Give me the bottle.”

Alec picks the bottle of vodka from the ground and hands it to her. She takes a long gulp, barely grimacing as she swallows.

“You’re such a band of losers,” she croaks out as Simon finally pulls over the parking lot.

 “I’m marrying Magnus Bane,” Alec argues, “so I’m obviously winning at life.”

.

Coney Island is admittedly quite scary at night, or at least that’s what Simon keeps blabbering about once they break in, somehow managing to climb over the closed fences in spite of their intoxicated state. The various attractions are all shut and it would be pitch dark around them if it wasn’t for the blinding lights of the Ferris wheel bathing the whole place in blue and red glows.

Simon literally shrieks in fear when their exploration leads them to turn right at a corner and they stumble straight into a tall picture of a clown hovering above their head, shadows dancing over it menacingly.

“This was a terrible idea,” he murmurs, bringing a hand over his heart to check if it’s still beating.

Alec has half the heart to tell him it doesn’t but that’s not because of the fright he just got and more because he’s dead since that’s kind of the point of the whole vampire thing but he decides against it when his eyes find what they were looking for.

“There!” he yells, pointing a finger in the right direction. Well, it seems to be the right direction but he’s not entirely sure he’s not just holding his arm over his head pointing at the moon.

Whatever, they will understand eventually. And maybe they have dragons on the moon. And aliens. Shit, Alec ponders to himself, dragons _and_ aliens, now _that_ would be so cool and there would be no way Magnus would ever leave him if he had both. Especially not for some stupid glittery stripper who probably doesn’t know any aliens.

Jace understands – parabatais get each other like that – because he bounces up and down on his feet excitedly and grabs Alec’s arm to drag him forward, Simon and Isabelle on toe. They come to an abrupt halt once they are facing the closed store and Jace is already producing a seraph blade, ready to tear the walls apart.

“There’s a door,” Isabelle sighs, kicking it open without preamble.

“Or you could have used your stele and drawn a rune,” Simon tampers.

Alec turns to him and wonders if Simon was always so clever or if it’s the alcohol that makes him seem so intelligent. Probably the latter. He shrugs to himself and follows his siblings inside.

And this is the best place ever.

THERE. ARE. DRAGONS. _EVERYWHERE_.

.

“Listen,” Simon slurs when they get out of Coney Island an hour later, arms full with well-deserved prizes. They actually more stolen than well-deserved but Alec is way beyond caring. He has no idea why they are in Coney Island but he now has his dragons and he feels invincible. It would be ten times better if Magnus was actually here. He misses Magnus. He looks down at the stuffed dragon in his arm as they leisurely make their way back to the car.

The stuffed dragon seems to glance right back at him and judge every choice he’s made in his life. Alec scowls.

“Shut up,” he mumbles.

Now it looks sad and Alec feels terrible. He had no idea dragons were so temperamental.

“Stop that. You don’t have feelings, you’re not even real.”

His outburst is only met by more sad staring.

“You know what?” Alec hiccups, his voice wavering as he raises it. “I’m giving you up for adoption if you don’t stop that right now!” he threatens.

Realization crosses over his features and he stops in his tracks when what he just said fully dawns on him. The rest of the group stops as well and turns to face him.

Alec is staring into space, eyes staring at the blurry lines of Jones Beach he can barely distinguish.

“I’m going to be a terrible father,” he breathes out as he holds the stuffed dragon tighter against his chest in a silent apology.

“Why?” Jace asks, staggering his way to Alec. “Is Magnus pregnant? Are you?”

He snickers at his own joke.

“No!” Alec shouts. His eyes dart to the dragon in his arms, then to the ones Jace, Simon and Isabelle are all respectively holding and he counts in his head. Jace is holding two because he’s an arrogant ass sometimes but that just makes more dragons for Alec so he didn’t say anything when Jace claimed that he could carry _all the dragons_ if they let him. Isabelle didn’t let him, because she’s a buzz kill that uses rational arguments to ruin their fun.

“I have five dragons to take care of and I’m already horrible to them!” he adds, shaking his head.

He starts pacing up and down, holding the stuffed dragon against his chest and questioning every decision he’s ever made in his life.

“What if my dragons don’t want me to be their father? What if they don’t want to be adopted?” he wonders out loud. “Oh my God, what if they grow up and then they realize I tore them away from their house and they hate me? What if they leave me to join Magnus and his glittery stripper? I can’t lose Magnus _and_ my dragons.”

“You’re not losing anyone,” Isabelle cuts in exasperatedly. Alec almost feels sorry for her. _Almost_. “Stop fretting.”

“I don’t think I can drive,” Simon grumbles, following Alec’s pacing with unfocused eyes. “My head is spinning.”

Alec rolls his eyes. Simon is _so_ _dramatic_.

“Magnus gives the best head,” he declares solemnly, the words blurting out of his mouth.

He starts giggling, tripping over his own feet.

“I knew it,” Jace exclaims loudly, which is a testimony to how drunk he is himself because Sober Jace would have been completely appalled by Alec’s abrupt confession.

Isabelle sends him a disbelieving glare while Alec nods in agreement with his eyes closed, trying to look like someone deep in thoughts. In truthfulness, his thoughts are nothing but deep right now. Unlike Magnus’ head. He giggles again, oblivious to what’s happening beyond his own mind.

“What?” Jace utters defensively when Isabelle punches his shoulder.

She doesn’t reply, instead seizing the car keys out of Simon’s hand and pushing the three of them towards the car.

.

“Jace,” Alec whispers once they are driving, leaning to the side so that only he can hear him. “Can I have your phone? I think someone stole mine.”

He tries not to look at the road because there is a reason why Isabelle doesn’t own a driving license. She’s a terrible driver. She keeps braking every ten seconds and it’s doing terrible things to Alec’s alcohol-filled stomach.

Jace just waves absently at him and Alec reaches in the pocket of his jacket to get his phone, immediately opening a new text. Magnus is filled under “Magnus, Alec’s warlock” in Jace’s phone and Alec approves immensely.

_Babe somoene stol emy phoen_

_ppl r so rude_

_maybe it’s the lcown_

_clown_

_he looked susosdgjg_

_supsicieus_

_suspicious_

_i miss u_

_do u think ill be a good fatehr?_

_also, r u pregnant? Jace wwants to know_

_I sw!ear im not ddrink_

_drunk_

_im hungry_

_can u snap me a sanwdich from starbucks pls_

_Ill ove you_

_MAGNuS???_

_can u believ eIm gettin married to Mangus Babe?_

_waht do u thiNk abut dragons?_

_askign for a friend_

_also, r mirrors real? Or r our eyes just wierd?_

_I miss you_

_If u were to adotp a dragon, hghyprogtheticathllty_

_Hsjtreni akky_

_hypothetically_

_what woudl; u name the dragon?_

_im thikning Mangus Jr._

 

“Alec!” Isabelle yells as she brakes vehemently. They all go crashing forward.

Alec hits his head on Simon’s seat and whines while Jace jerks awake and yells, “I swear I wasn’t sleeping!”

“Why is there a phone in your hand?” Isabelle inquires calmly. Or at least, Alec is sure it would sound calm if she wasn’t shouting.

“I don’t know,” he lies. “It just appeared. Poof! Maybe it’s a magical phone. Magnus is magical. Magnus is my boyfriend,” he explains because it feels like he should. “We’re adopting dragons together.”

“Give me that phone,” she demands, waving a hand in front of his face, giving him her best unimpressed glare.

It’s a bit intimidating but Alec shakes his head no because he’s a brave Shadowhunter and he refuses to admit his little sister scares him.

“I need to text my Magnus,” he says. “Someone stole my phone.”

“No one stole my phone,” she counters. “ _I_ took your phone so you would stop embarrassing yourself.”

“So _you_ stole my phone,” he argues, narrowing his eyes at her. “I can’t believe you would do that to me. Stealing is bad, Isabelle.”

“You’re such a straight-up idiot,” she sighs heavily.

“Hey!” he protests loudly, clearly insulted. “I’m not straight! I may be an idiot, but at least I’m not straight.”

Isabelle doesn’t answer but she shakes her head in defeat and gets out of the car. She goes around it and opens Alec’s door for him, pulling him to his feet while Jace and Simon get out on their own. As if they’re better than him. They’re so pretentious.

Simon has his phone in his hand as he joins Alec on the sideway.

“Hey!” Alec protests. “Why can he text his boyfriend and I can’t?”

“Because Simon is not as embarrassing as you are.”

“Raphael is not my boyfriend,” Simon interjects. He’s met with three very unimpressed glares and he groans. “Fine,” he grumbles. “Maybe he’s a little bit my boyfriend.”

“Magnus is my boyfriend,” Alec says sympathetically, reaching out to pat him gently on the shoulder. “We’re adopting dragons together.”

“You’re so lucky,” Simon sighs dreamily. “I wish I had dragons.”

“You can dragon-sit ours when we need the night to ourselves, if you know what I mean,” he replies with a sly wink. Well, it would probably appear sly if he was sober. Actually, it wouldn’t because Sober Alec would never. Right now, it just seems like he’s having a stroke and lost all control over his left eye.

“Aw,” Simon coos, “you would trust me with your dragons?”

“Of course I would,” Alec answers firmly, pulling him into an unsteady hug. “You’re like my best friend.” He pauses, thinks about it for a second. “After Jace and Izzy. And Clary. And Lily. And Maia. But I swear you’re close.”

Simon pulls back just a little, wiping a tear out of his eyes. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Alec grins, tapping his cheek sloppily before he swirls around, leaning against the car to keep his balance. “Where are we?” he asks.

“This is where you live, Alec,” Isabelle deadpans. “Surely you recognize your own building.”

“I have an entire building?” Alec slurs. “Does Magnus live here? Magnus is my boyfriend. We’re adopting –”

“Dragons together,” Isabelle finishes for him with a sigh. “We know.”

“You do?” Alec asks bewilderedly. “How did you know?”

Isabelle groans but doesn’t answer. Instead, she pushes him towards the front door and he obliges, his steps heavier than usually. Aren’t Shadowhunters supposed to be graceful? Aren’t they supposed to have angel blood or something? Maybe all the alcohol he consumed erased his angel blood. Maybe he’s not a Shadowhunter anymore. _Shit_.

“Do you think the amount of alcohol I ingurgitated tonight could interfere with my angelic powers?” he inquires calmly because he’s a clear-minded person.

At least, that’s what Sober Alec would have done. Drunk Alec grabs his sister’s arm and tugs on it petulantly until she faces him.

Then and only then, he shouts, “Izzy, am I still a Shadowhunter?”

She gives him an astonished look so he feels the need to explain.

“Am I going to become a mundane? I don’t want to be a mundane! They are so… _mundane_ – “ He emphasizes the word with a wide wave and unknowingly slams a hand on Simon’s face behind him, who stumbles backwards with a _humph_ , “ – and boring! Mundanes don’t have Magnuses. I have a Magnus. I wouldn’t have a Magnus if I was a mundane.”

“Oh by the Angel,” Isabelle cries out, throwing her hands in the air dramatically. “Shut the fuck up!”

His mouth falls open for a second and he pouts. “You’re rude.”

“And you’re annoying.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not.”

“Are too,” Isabelle insists, louder.

“We forgot my dragons in the car!” Alec blurts out in a scream, running back outside before Isabelle can stop him. “I’m such a terrible father!”

Five minutes later, Isabelle manages to drag him inside once more. His arms are filled with three stuffed dragons, whilst Jace and Simon each carry one in his back, bickering about names.

“Hagrid is a great name for a dragon!” Simon is saying. And by saying, he means shouting. He sounds very angry. Alec kind of agrees with him. Hagrid _is_ a great name for a dragon.

“Clawsome is a much better name!” Jace argues just as loudly.

Well, now Alec doesn’t know. Jace has a point.

“Clawsome is just a stupid pun,” Simon counters and Alec frowns to himself because Simon is like… the king of puns. “Hagrid is the best!”

Jace is about to talk back but Alec spins around to face them as Isabelle searches in his pocket for the keys to the apartment. “Stop fighting,” he demands, “or you’re all fired.” He giggles, a wide grin growing on his lips. “Get it? Because dragons breathe fire. You’re _fired_.”

Jace and Simon erupt into fits of laughter and he even hears Isabelle “Buzz kill” snort. He beams proudly, looking down at the dragons in his arms.

Dad jokes. He’s not so bad after all. He can definitely be a good father as long as he can make dad jokes.

Isabelle opens the door and pushes him inside and Alec almost goes crashing on the floor but manages to catch himself on the opposite wall. It does it all with the grace of a walrus wearing roller-skates, the clamor sure to wake up the neighbors. His worries (which are, objectively, not very high) vanish into thin air when he hears footsteps coming his way but he can’t hide a disappointed sigh when it’s Raphael who appears in his blurry sight.

“Let me guess,” he says with a smirk. “You have a Magnus and you’re twenty-five years old.”

Alec looks up at him, raising an eyebrow. “How did you know?” he asks. “I do have a Magnus! Is Magnus here?” Raphael doesn’t have the time to answer because he’s already yelling, “Magnus!” and if the neighbors were awake before, they surely are now.

Fuck the neighbors. He’s got a Magnus to find.

“Raphael,” Simon cuts in sloppily, stumbling forward, “are you like… my boyfriend?”

Raphael casts a befuddled look his way. “We’ve been dating for two years, you moron,” he replies bemusedly. “Of course I’m your boyfriend.”

“Just wanted to make sure,” Simon answers casually, leaning heavily against Jace to hold himself upright.

“Magnus!” Alec yells again. Then, he turns to Raphael. “Magnus is my boyfriend,” he explains dutifully. “We’re getting married and we’re adopting dragons together. Maybe aliens, too, if I can figure out how to go on the moon. But that’s only if Magnus is not leaving me for the glittery stripper.”

“Alexander!” comes a yell from the other side of the apartment followed by a thunderous noise and the unmistakable sound of footsteps padding his way. He perks up instantly.

Raphael heaves out a deep sigh. “He’s been blabbering about his “hot ass of a Shadowhunter fiancé” all night long,” he tells Isabelle. “I’ve heard things about your brother I never wanted to know. Ever.”

“Tell me about it,” Isabelle sighs too. “Magnus apparently ‘gives the best head’. I didn’t need to know that.”

“Magnus does give the best blowjobs,” Alec chimes in.

Isabelle hits him behind the head and he whimpers. The sound turns into a happy screech when Magnus appears in his line of sight.

“Magnus!” he yells.

“Alexander!” Magnus yells.

“Jace!” Jace yells.

“Did you cheat on me with a glittery slipper?”

When Magnus frowns in confusion, Alec realizes what he said and corrects himself. “Stripper,” he says before clearing his throat. “Did you cheat on me with a glittery stripper? No offense.”

“Of course not,” Magnus counters and he looks like he really took offense, which is ridiculous because Alec did say “no offense”, didn’t he?

“Good,” Alec says, hoping it will get him off the hook. “Babe, we’re adopting dragons.”

He collects one of the stuffed dragons he knocked over when he crashed into the wall and pushes it in Magnus’ hands. “Five of them,” he adds as he turns around with a flourish that is usually all Magnus’ and points at the rest of the dragons in Jace and Simon’s arms. “You get the prettiest one.”

With that, he grabs the one in Simon’s arms – Simon lets him, too busy staring at Raphael’s ass who is picking up another fallen dragon – and shoves it in Magnus’. It’s a violet dragon with big blue eyes and a layer of glitter on the ears. It’s basically perfect for Magnus.

“I called him Magnus Jr,” he says. “So you can have a Magnus too ‘cause having a Magnus is pretty great.”

Magnus blinks once, twice and then looks back at Alec with a little scowl that Drunk Alec finds absolutely adorable. Sober Alec would probably find it adorable too, though.

“Okay,” he simply says with a shrug.

Alec beams at him and before he can register what is happening, Magnus grabs the sleeve of his shirt and pulls him forward, kissing him full on the mouth. Alec whimpers in surprise but melts into his arms, grabbing Magnus’ waist like a lifeline. Or a bottle of vodka.

Magnus pulls back and drops a sloppy kiss on Alec’s chin, quickly moving on to his jaw.

“I missed you so much,” he breathes.

“I missed you too,” Alec replies. “So, so much.”

“You literally saw each other –“ Isabelle pauses to glance at her watch, “ten hours ago.”

“Ten hours?” Alec echoes before turning back to Magnus. “That was so long. I thought you were leaving me!”

“Never,” Magnus pledges. “We have dragons to raise together.”

“I curse the day these two will adopt an actual child,” Isabelle sighs, to which Raphael hums in agreement. The lie is evident in both of their gazes. “That poor kid will be insane.”

“Insanely awesome,” Jace cuts in. “My godchild will be the best.”

Alec would defend the honor of his future child but Magnus is kissing his cheek, slowly making his way to his ear and it’s all very distracting.

“Magnus,” he moans when he tugs his earlobe between his teeth.

“Okay,” Raphael says loudly, clapping his hands together. “We should go now before Magnus decides to climb Alec like a tree. As he repeatedly told me he was going to tonight.”

“For your information,” Magnus exclaims, “I am not an animal. I’m obviously going to blow him first.”

If Alec is an overly talkative/sappy/dragon-obsessed drunk, Magnus is definitely a horny/kinky/thirsty (and not only for alcohol) drunk. This is common knowledge. Alec doesn’t know why his friends are acting so surprised: everyone who knows Magnus knows that. Especially Alec.

Raphael groans, rolls his eyes and just grabs Simon’s arm, dragging him towards the exit. “If you broke my car, I am breaking up with all of you.”

Alec isn’t sure why Raphael would break up with _him_ but he’s entirely sure he definitely won’t break up with Simon even if they did crash the car. Did they, though? He can’t remember.

Isabelle steps forward and cups Alec’s cheek in her hand, giving him a sweet smile. “Are you going to be okay?” she asks, pushing a strand of dark hair out of his forehead.

Alec smiles back. “Of course,” he says with an enthusiastic nod. “Magnus is going to blow me.”

Isabelle closes her eyes in a pained expression but she soon shakes her head fondly. She stands on her tiptoe to drop a kiss to his cheek, then does the same to Magnus before she steps back and grabs Jace to push him toward the exit.

“Don’t be late tomorrow,” she warns right before she closes the front door. “It’s _your_ rehearsal dinner.”

She slams the door shut behind her and Jace, who is protesting vehemently, claiming he is “the godfather of dragons and she has no right to treat him that way.”

Alec doesn’t hear what they are arguing about in the corridor outside because Magnus puts his hands on his shoulders and jumps without a warning, hooking both his legs around his waist and crushing their mouths together. Alec stumbles backwards and slams onto the nearest wall, his pained moan quickly turning into another type of moan as Magnus slides his tongue against his bottom lip and take advantage of Alec’s gasp to slide it in his mouth, tasting the vodka on his tongue.

“Babe,” he breathes out when he pulls back to suck on his throat, “can you believe I’m getting married to Magnus Bane?”

Magnus nods against his neck eagerly. “Can you believe I’m getting married to Alexander Lightwood?” he counters playfully.

“That’s me,” Alec provides helpfully.

“Yes, darling,” Magnus replies and he can hear the smile in his voice. Magnus pulls out of his hiding spot, eyeing the mark he certainly left under Alec’s jaw line with a proud grin. He looks up then, staring straight into his eyes. “That’s you. I’m getting married to you.”

“We have dragons,” Alec adds.

“Apparently we do.”

“I love you,” he says. “Please don’t ever leave me for a stripper who wears glitter.”

“Maybe you should give me a lap dance just to make sure,” Magnus teases, a mischievous spark in his eyes.

Alec nods, readjusting his hold on Magnus’ thighs. “I’m sure I can do that,” he whispers.

“I love you too,” Magnus murmurs back.

He leans forward to kiss him again but Alec just yawns in his face before he can stop himself, the exhaustion of his eventful night catching up all of a sudden.

Magnus chuckles and drops a kiss on his eyelid. “Let’s go to bed, darling.”

“But blowjob,” Alec protests half-heartedly.

“Tomorrow,” Magnus promises. “I might even convince you to sneak out in a bathroom during the rehearsal dinner.”

“You’re like… the best husband in the whole world already. I’m so glad I gave you my prettiest dragon.”

“You gave me so much more,” Magnus whispers confidentially and this time, Alec manages to hold back his yawn when he leans in to kiss him.

“True,” he mutters against his lips, somehow guiding them blindingly towards the bedroom. Apparently, even when he’s hammered, Alec knows his way to lie in a bed with Magnus. “I gave you five dragons.”

.

Alec wakes up with the worst hangover of his life.

He also wakes up with Magnus’ lips wrapped around his cock and the knowledge that in a few days, this magical glittery warlock will be his husband.

When Magnus shows him the thread of texts he received the night before, messages he only saw in the morning because Raphael cleverly took his phone from him, he’s laughing so hard that he falls out of bed, landing straight on Magnus Jr. The stuffed dragon. _Right_.

Magnus laughs some more when Alec tells him about stealing them so that he would have leverage in case Magnus decided to leave him for a stripper who wears glitter. There are tears running down his cheeks, tears of mirth and happiness and as he watches the man he loves beaming, illuminating the room with the breathtaking chant of his laughter, Alec thinks that maybe his hangover isn’t so bad. Maybe Drunk Alec isn’t so bad.

 _This_ is totally worth the second-hand embarrassment.

**Author's Note:**

> No dragons were harmed in the writing of this fic.  
>  _My brain, however, was very, very harmed. There is something wrong with me._
> 
>  
> 
> I'm on tumblr [@lecrit](http://lecrit.tumblr.com/) and on twitter [@_L_ecrit](https://twitter.com/_L_ecrit).
> 
>  
> 
> All the love,  
> Lucile.


End file.
